Moms and Dads, I have met your children in the 20+ years of being in this industry. I thought I would take a moment to impart the wisdom of the ages so that you can become better parents.
Well, it might to late for that, but if I can get through to a few of you with babies, maybe I can help save the world.
You lie to your children and they believe you. You tell them there is an Easter Bunny, Santa Claus and from what I see on board the bus on a daily basis... a cleaning fairy.
Yes, a cleaning fairy!
Men to Boys
Near as I can gather, grown men have been leaving a mess about the bus every night since touring started. Miraculously, in their minds anyway, whenever they wake up and come out of the bunks or re-board the bus after a day off the cleaning fairy has stopped by and made everything sparkling clean again.
The cleaning fairy has picked up and thrown away the empty beer bottles, the half-consumed bottles of water, the empty bags of salty snacks, the pizza boxes, the styrofoam containers. And that’s not all, she has emptied the cup holders of all the debris, picked up your used tissues left lying about as well as cleaned the urine from the walls and toilet bowl of the bathroom. OK, I will forgive you for that last one. Being male and waking in the middle of the night to go pee on a moving vehicle can be a challenge when certain anatomical parts do not wish to cooperate.
That cleaning fairy is one heck of a gal.
Only problem is: THAT CLEANING FAIRY IS YOUR DRIVER!
The Filth and the Fury
For the life of me, I wonder what it would be like to be in the homes of the various folks I have hauled over the span of 20+ years. I imagine three distinct scenarios:
- As my Grandma would say, “You were just raised wrong.”
- You live in utter filth and clutter. The way you act on the bus is the manner in which you are accustomed.
- Your wife/significant other is a domestic goddess and keeps a spotless and meticulous house. You rebel when you come out on the road feeling that you can throw your proper indoctrinated habits to the wayside and be reckless in your housekeeping habits.
Now don't get me wrong, I get paid to keep that bus clean. There are just days and certain tours where I earn every penny and it still is not enough.
So parents, if you are raising babies please keep this in mind. You are raising humans that not only need to conform to the expectations of your household, but they also at some point need to be an active participant of the overall organized population.
TEACH YOUR CHILDREN WELL.